


a product of absence

by Ominous



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: AFTG Fall Exchange 2020, Established Relationship, Fluff, Longing, M/M, POV Andrew Minyard, Reincarnation, andrew is so in love in this, but this is fluffy I promise, discussions of death just bc...reincarnation, some flirty neil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26496952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ominous/pseuds/Ominous
Summary: It’s funny, Andrew thinks, that this would be seen as a curse in any other situation. Two people, thrown apart by time and circumstances, desperately searching for one another.But Andrew has never doubted Neil’s return. He’s not running, he’s not worried. It’s perhaps the only waiting game that’s been worth it, that he understands, because this bond with Neil has only ever made sense to him.In another life, Neil made this much clear: they would always find each other in the end.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, side kateaaron
Comments: 90
Kudos: 402





	a product of absence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [racingshadows](https://archiveofourown.org/users/racingshadows/gifts).



> Hi Ro! I'm so excited to share this fic with you, and I want to thank you here for giving me such amazing prompts tbh. I tried to do a different take on the reincarnation au, so I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Big thanks to [EmeraldWaves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmeraldWaves/pseuds/EmeraldWaves) for reading this over for me!

_~~Dearest Andrew,~~ _

_Not sure why I felt the need to add that, but you must already know that it can’t mean anything good. Shame, I might’ve liked to call you that in person. I think I could’ve finally gotten a blush out of you, and then you would’ve pushed me away, knowing I would just come right back._

_I've never had to put that kind of greeting before, you just always know it’s implied. I wanted to add it this time, so you remember, like you remember everything. In case you start to doubt it, in case you try to explain me away. I won't blame you if the thought crosses your mind. I never want to leave you, but I fear I'm at the end of my rope_

_He’ll find me soon. There’s almost no doubt in my mind at this point. I know what you’re thinking, that you’ll come and get me, that I just have to keep moving. But I feel cornered. Something’s different, and I’m not sure I’ll be here long enough to read your next letter._

_The running won’t stop, and I won’t do that to you. Maybe I’m a martyr, but you can’t change my mind. Andrew, I don't think I've ever been this afraid. That’s pathetic, isn't it? I knew it would all end eventually. You knew too._

_That should make it hurt less, or I hope it does._

_I'm going to find you, though. Next time, I’ll be with you, if you'll have me. So don't forget, okay? Even if you're going to tell me to leave you alone forever, I'd rather see the way your eyes brighten when you do._

_But you won't do that, will you?_

_I think it's too late for that._

_I'm going to keep this name, because it's what you called me. There won't be any disguises next time, and for all my lies, that's the truth._

_Yours, and only yours,_

_Neil_

\--

Andrew Minyard has a problem.

Or, no. He doesn't have a problem, not what he perceives as one, but everyone else seems to think so.

The 80’s diner they frequent is bustling tonight, and he searches the crowd out of habit. This isn’t exactly Neil’s scene, but the vibrant colors and glow strips that line the walls would appeal to him. That, and the opportunity to make as many ‘back in time’ jokes as he pleases.

Neil isn’t funny, but hearing him laugh at himself is always a reward.

Andrew feels a presence at his side and tries not to let his annoyance show. Neil’s not here, and even if he were, he’s not going to leave if Andrew doesn’t notice him first. In fact, he'd get a kick out of it.

Much more opportunity to make a grand entrance. Neil wouldn't look bad though, not in the dim lighting, the counters lined with reds and purples. Being here makes Andrew feel like he's in a fish tank, the only source of light in a dark room. Always being watched, but peering out all the same.

Andrew turns at whoever has decided to poke at the glass.

The man in front of him, in some other existence, would arguably be Andrew’s type. Athletic, eager, with eyes that stand out in the low lights. But to Andrew, he’s just a blur, another smudge he wants to clean off as soon as possible so it stops obscuring his view.

“Hey, I've never seen you around here before,” the man says, and his voice is artfully pitched just above a whisper. It’s a clear invitation before one has even been extended, and his smirk hides a multitude of implications. Andrew, without meaning to brag, is used to this. The attention doesn’t bother him; he’s able to shrug off the curious gazes and flirty mumbles easily enough. It’s when people actually have the balls to approach him that he wishes he stayed hidden in the corner booth.

He says it likes it's a seedy bar and not a popular diner

Andrew hardly looks at him. "I have a boyfriend."

Nicky and Aaron, who have been sitting next to him without bothering him too much, freeze up. Aaron just closes his eyes and looks like he's counting to ten, wondering why he's forced to share genes with Andrew. Nicky simply seems resigned, and he throws the man an apologetic smile.

Andrew doesn't waste another glance at him, and the man retreats with a scoff.

Andrew hates the little thrill that goes down his spine every time he says it. He should be used to it by now, set in his ways, but it never fails to set a fire in him.

_'I have a boyfriend.'_

He does.

But he's the only one who believes it.

As soon as the man leaves, Aaron spins on him, keeping his voice low below the jazzy music. " _Stop_ saying shit like that," Aaron says, and Andrew doesn't look at him.

They go over this at least once a month, and while Aaron hardly bothers Andrew, these moments make him wish he was reincarnated without a brother.

"Oh Aaron, it's a common excuse you know," Andrew says instead, and the waitress drops a chocolate milkshake in front of him. Andrew always gets two straws, just in case.

Ignoring Aaron's fuming, he pulls it towards him and sucks down half in one gulp.

"But you're not using it as an excuse, you _never_ do," Aaron replies, exhaustion clear. He drops his head to the bar counter, nearly spilling his root beer. This is the problem with Aaron; he's too concerned with embarrassment, and Andrew could never understand why it matters. His business is none of Aaron's. "Just...don't pull that shit when Katelyn is here."

Ah, and there's a reason Aaron has been particularly annoying when it comes to this subject lately. Katelyn, Aaron's current girlfriend, has Andrew's brother completely swept away. Granted, it hadn't been any of Andrew's business either, and he wanted to keep it that way. However, according to a panicked Aaron a few nights earlier, they'd finally reached the 'critical' three month point where he can no longer hide his family from her. She's either starting to believe Aaron is an orphan or he's keeping her a secret. Which he most definitely is _not_.

Andrew huffs to himself.

It's gotten to the point where Nicky has had to make Aaron promise to limit how much he talks about her; it's always something. Where they're going for their next date, what he bought Katelyn at the flea market, how pretty Katelyn is...

Katelyn, Katelyn, Katelyn.

Nicky and Andrew, as per their non-heterosexual code, had decidedly had enough. Andrew can only ignore Aaron so much, and as useful as walking out of the room can be, there's only so many rooms in the house.

And Andrew wouldn't care so much about meeting her; most people tend to give up on him once they realize they're not going to get much. He's painfully silent, and Nicky is the loud, relatable one who people cling to. That's how it's always been, and Andrew welcomes it.

Katelyn is different, Katelyn is _important_. And as such, Aaron is trying even harder to make sure Andrew doesn't pull any of his _'weird imaginary boyfriend stuff.'_

So no, Aaron would never dream of keeping his dream girl under wraps. Andrew however...

"I'm not pulling anything," Andrew replies, without the slightest bit of playfulness. They do this every time, but he never stops being firm. Neil deserves that; security, a rock.

"I don't know Andrew, I thought it was sweet before, but now I'm convinced you're pranking us," Nicky jokes, but the glare he receives from Andrew has him sucking the laughter back into his throat so abruptly he chokes. Nicky coughs, playing it off by gesturing to the crowd. "How long are you going to lie to people? You're passing up genuine eye-candy!"

To make the point clearer, yet more pointless, Nicky looks to the guy who just tried to hook up with Andrew moments before. He's in a group with his other friends, who are also checking him out on occasion.

Andrew resists the urge to roll his eyes. Technically, he can't blame his family for questioning him. But he still does. He very much does. The least they could do is leave him alone.

"I don't pull pranks, and it wasn't a lie," Andrew reiterates, and bites his tongue to keep from pointing out that Neil is a thousand times prettier than anyone in this diner.

He doesn't care how many times he has to repeat himself. Andrew has a boyfriend, he simply hasn't met him. Not in this life.

Words flash across his vision, a shitty greeting with an inky line through it, smudged because Neil had to write in a rush. Because he was running, always running.

But there's so much before that last, devastating letter. There's Neil's lips pressed against his throat where his knife used to be, hostility worn away by answers exchanged over long nights. Letters left in the cracks of alleys and bar walls, where only they knew where to find them.

Andrew's memory, for once, can't replay everything from that life. The universe spared him the hurt, the abuse. But he remembers Neil. He can recall every detail, vivid and vibrant. The slope of Neil's jaw and the exact hue of his eyes, every little insignificant thing he once wished he could forget. That had been their gift from the universe, or _fate_ , one neither of them were probably worthy of.

Andrew doesn't remember those details, but he has enough gut instinct to know he wasn't any better of a person back then than he is now. If he believed in a good and a bad that is; Neil always understood that too. They'd been survivors.

Andrew still feels like that. A survivor, even though this life has been devoid of strain, of ache.

Well, except for this. Except for the fact Neil hasn't fulfilled his promise yet.

Andrew looks over the crowd one last time to make sure, then throws his milkshake back.

It's stupidly ironic; he never used to believe in fate. When Neil told him to wait for him, to remember, he wanted to find Neil in his early grave and shake him for being so delusional.

Andrew doesn't believe in divine intervention, he stands by that because he's petty. But he believes in Neil. He knows it's not in his head.

As much as he doubted himself in the past, as much as he believed Neil was nothing more than a pipe dream Andrew created to cope with his boredom, at a certain point he couldn't run from the truth.

He can't be the one this time, the one who runs.

That being said, where the hell is his infuriating little rabbit?

Knowing Neil, he probably got tangled up in some mess and that's what's taking him so damn long to find Andrew. Fine. As long as it's none of the underground crime bullshit from last time. Neil can't possibly have a shitty father twice in a row, can he?

At Andrew's response, Aaron's head jolts upwards, and he glares.

Aaron, unfortunately, knows it's not a prank. He simply thinks Andrew is completely out of his damn mind.

"Your imaginary _boyfriend_ isn't real," he repeats, as if he can get it through Andrew's head if he tries really, _really_ hard. "Are you going to your death bed with this?"

"That's the only point where I'll believe you're right, so yes," Andrew says, and it's the truth. There were two options; believe Neil is a figment of his imagination and spiral down into madness and despair, or put his full trust in the snarky redhead like he was asked to. Picking the latter option was easy this time, since there were no real downsides or resentment. Andrew has no interest in others, even when he tried to, Neil was in the back of his head.

Obnoxious.

At this point, Aaron is seething. "Andrew..."

But Andrew only has so much patience for one night. The ache is especially apparent today, and he can't say why. He holds up his hand in warning, staring straight ahead. "Aaron, careful what you say to me right now, especially if you're going to be bringing your girlfriend tomorrow."

Aaron sputters at the warning, but Andrew delights in the way his shoulders sag in defeat. Much better. His brother sighs, pulling his root beer closer. "Just...I don't want her to think we're nuts, so don't--"

Andrew stands instantly, nearly throwing Nicky and Aaron back in their seats. It's slightly amusing to Andrew; he's not particularly prone to violence these days, but he carries the energy. Nicky instinctively hides behind Aaron, despite being taller. Andrew waves them off and picks his keys off the counter. He'd rather wait it out alone in the car.

"Talking about Neil is wasted on you two anyways," he says with a sigh, and doesn't pause to take in their surprised expressions. It's the first time he's said his name. Why he's compelled now is a mystery, which makes him grumpier.

He stomps off, knowing the evening is over for him. His family doesn't bother to call after him, knowing he needs the space. Good. His mind is begging him to scratch at an unknown itch. He adds, under his breath, "and I shouldn't have to."

He only admits to himself that he might _want_ to. Talking about Neil...well, he's not sure. He's never had the opportunity really. Once Aaron and Nicky had found out about Neil's MIA status, they'd been no-gos for the subject. Andrew wasn't like Aaron, he wasn't an oversharer. He didn't need to wax poetic all day, but...

The small things, a fleeting mention...those things he might not hate.

Who has he become in this life?

He pulls out his pack of cigarettes as he steps outside, not bothering to make it all the way to the no-smoking zone before lighting up.

He takes in his surroundings, and something in his gut traitorously _hopes_ , as it always does. But no one else is there. The parking lot is empty, except for him and the ghost of a laugh.

Andrew lights up a second stick anyways, and doesn't leave until both are burned down.

\--

"I can't believe you gave him a name," Aaron mutters the next day, as they're walking into a cafe for their _family_ lunch with Katelyn. Aaron had insisted they be somewhere public; Andrew has a feeling he just didn't want to clean the house.

He holds back his sigh; he was wondering why Aaron had been so quiet about it. He hadn't allowed himself the wishful thinking that the conversation was over. Aaron tends to be testier when he's nervous too.

Andrew sits down and grabs the menu, finding the dessert options far more interesting than Aaron's petulant attitude. "I didn't give it to him, it's his name," he states easily, and Nicky winces.

Whatever.

Andrew indulges himself and repeats the name in his head.

_Neil Abram Josten._

He shivers, and can't wait to whisper it against Neil's skin. Otherwise, he keeps it to himself most days. He once pondered saying it a few times in the mirror to try and summon Neil somehow, but that was too far, even for him.

Aaron sinks down across the booth from him while Nicky takes the outside chair, knowing better than to sit next to Andrew on the other side when it's like this. Aaron's eyes are piercing, and he scoffs. "Oh? And where is he?"

Nicky makes a distressed noise in the back of his throat. "Aaron..."

"No, I want to know," Aaron presses, and the nerves must be putting his fight or flight response on the fritz. He doesn't pay any mind to the steadily growing murderous energy Andrew is giving off. "When is _Neil_ going to grace us with his presence?"

Andrew stares off into the diner, and doesn't respond.

He's been there, done that. He's already had his phases back in his late teen years, where he was convinced he made Neil up, that he was clinging to a reality that could never be.

But as the start of puberty, the memories began to come back, all compiled and clear by the time he reached eighteen. Most vivid of all was that damn _letter_.

Neil is going to pay for that; Andrew's pettiness hasn't changed, and nothing will make up for the way his heart _yearned_ , so unfair, without any outlet.

Andrew is either doubtful of anything and everything, or stubbornly set in his ways.

His view of Neil errs on the latter end.

Neil said he would find him, that's enough for Andrew.

Aaron looks about ready to snap when Andrew looks back at him, but then something standing behind Andrew catches his intention like a snare, snapping up and inciting the briefest flash of panic.

Andrew has no time to relish in the tomato quality of his brother's face, because in the next minute there's a jingle of too many anklets, of charm bracelets and unnecessary zippers.

Katelyn steps into frame like a rushed cut, a scene jump not even Andrew can keep up with. Andrew schools his expression into uncaring indifference, but even he's a bit thrown by her appearance. In his head, when Aaron claimed to have a cheerleader girlfriend from the local college, Andrew pictured all bright colors and approachable demeanor. The exact opposite of him.

But Katelyn is rocking the black leather aesthetic almost more than he is. She's wearing an obviously thrifted leather jacket two sizes too big for her, well loved and wrinkled. Andrew wants to cringe at the ancient quality, and knows if he swiped his hand along the sleeve, his palm would come back looking like smudged charcoal. Beneath that is another oversized t-shirt that goes to the top of her thighs, a DIY dress with dark shorts peeking out. Her converse are tattered, covered in doodles Andrew knows belong to Aaron. The only things that aren't black are her bright rose gold jewelry, and Andrew understands all of the bags around Aaron's room now.

Katelyn's ruby-red painted lips pull up into a smile far too bright for the conversation she just stepped into, but she seems unperturbed by that.

Aaron wheezes, but neither the distress nor the silence stops Katelyn from bulldozing ahead happily, chipper in a way that contradicts her everything. "Hi! I'm Katelyn, nice to meet you!"

She's even a step ahead of Nicky as she piles into the booth, kissing Aaron's cheek and staining it.

Andrew says nothing, but at Aaron's glare, he grunts. Katelyn regards him for a moment before setting down a box of cupcakes between them, a peace offering.

Hm. She's fine...for now.

Aaron recovers a moment later, clearing his throat. "This is Andrew, and my cousin Nicky," he says with a smile, a thousand pounds lighter with her arrival.

Andrew tries to be disgusted, because he certainly is not envious.

Nicky is off like a racehorse. He beams at her, and between the two of them Andrew expects a light bulb to burst. "Wow, aren't you stylish! Why are you dating someone as fashionably incompetent as Aaron?"

He shakes her hand too hard, and Katelyn lets her shoulder flop around like a noodle as she giggles.

Aaron sputters. " _Nicky_."

"What? I've seen you wear socks with sandals." Nicky scrunches up his nose, and Katelyn's soft smile sharpens at the edges.

"Twice," she whispers dramatically, and she and Nicky laugh hard enough for Katelyn to smudge the dark liner under her eyes.

Andrew feels no need to contribute. He greeted her (sort of), and she and Nicky are hitting it off. He's not sure why he's here, but it's alright. Even he can't resent how relieved Aaron looks; at least he'll be less annoying later.

He watches the way Katelyn subtly leans into Aaron's side, comfortable there, a relief of her own palpable. Andrew guesses grunge cheerleaders get nervous too. 

He doesn't expect her to talk to him, and that suits him. He's content to let people who don't understand him ignore him, as he always does. He doesn't care for their thoughts or judgement, and if they're too uncomfortable to approach him, it's on them.

Katelyn, despite her fashion sense, seems like that kind of person; typical down to earth, but bubbly and carefree, who can't wrap her head around anyone who isn't. It's a miracle that Aaron managed her, truly, since he's about as soft as a cactus.

Andrew drowns out their conversations, frivolous and silly, and expects to remain silent for the rest of the lunch. At some point, he'll steal Aaron's cupcake, but he anticipates nothing more eventful than that.

That's why he's so surprised when Katelyn actually speaks up twenty minutes later, blue eyes clearly focusing on him. It throws Aaron and Nicky too, but their reactions don't stop her from asking, "So Andrew, are you dating anyone?"

The lighthearted mood at the table plummets into icy oblivion. Andrew's brain tries to grasp for what could've incited that question, and his traitorous memory is useful in these instances. He replays the last few moments. Nicky had been talking about Erik, about their plans for their wedding next June, and it had spiraled from there.

Ah.

No wonder Aaron looks so pale.

It's cruel of him, but Andrew doesn't care. There's a curl of spite that runs through him, so satisfied as Katelyn blinks innocently. Andrew _could_ tell her he doesn't, but that wouldn't be the truth. He _could_ tell her it's none of her business, but he won't.

Maybe it's his pettiness, maybe it's just something about the way he's been feeling lately, but he answers as honestly as can be. "Yes, his name is Neil," he says with a nod, and _oh_ , it's like a rush each time.

_Neil. Neil, my boyfriend. My Neil._

Aaron chokes on his spit as Nicky stares intensely at the table, but Katelyn only smiles. "Oh! That's nice, how long?"

And well, Andrew has always insisted he's never cared for people in his business. He doesn't need to talk about Neil for Neil to exist, for him to be _real_. But...perhaps for once it's not as much of a pain, talking about Neil and having someone accept him as fact.

"For as long as I can remember," Andrew continues, curling his hand into a fist against his knee to keep any and all emotion out of his voice. "It's only been him."

Katelyn gasps. "O-M-G are you guys like, high school sweethearts? That is so sweet! Do you live together?"

Aaron shoots Andrew a look that says _'don't you dare answer that,_ ' so naturally, Andrew answers it.

Andrew pulls out a cupcake and takes a bite, talking through it. "He's travelling right now, so I haven't seen him in a while," he replies, and he thinks it's the truth. He has no idea what Neil is doing, tying up whatever loose ends he has to. As long as he brings Andrew a cookie.

Katelyn's face falls, and Andrew hates the way his heart echoes the pain in her eyes, but a hundred times deeper. No, a thousand times. A million.

All strikethroughs, like on parchment paper.

"I'm sure you must miss him," she says, shoulders sagging, and Andrew lets himself hum an affirmative. She has no idea.

That must be the moment Aaron decides he's had enough. He scoffs, pulling Katelyn's attention away with a wave of his hand and an awkward laugh. "He's pulling a joke on you Katelyn, forget him," he says, adding emphasis so Andrew gets the picture. Andrew actually does roll his eyes. "Neil doesn't exist."

Katelyn blinks at Aaron, brow furrowing, and it would be comical if it didn't make Andrew feel an inkling of dread. He knows what comes next, and he doesn't need the pity. Katelyn blinks again, looks at Andrew. "What do you mean?"

Nicky laughs, but it's stilted and too loud. "Well, we don't know if he doesn't _exist_ but...we've never met him," he says, ignoring both of the twins' glares. "Andrew's memories of Neil are in his dreams, and uh--well, he's apparently out there somewhere."

Nicky shrugs, but Andrew can't believe he actually got that part right. Nicky had actually paid attention to the bits and pieces Andrew had given away over the years, no matter how rarely.

"He's ridiculous," Aaron repeats, harsher this time. "Andrew's kidding, _right_?"

Aaron implores him, and it's pathetic. Andrew never actually agreed to Aaron's petty demands, and now more than ever, he feels like rebelling. He tilts his head in Katelyn's direction, swallowing down the last chunk of chocolate cupcake.

Ruined. What a shame.

"Actually, I'm _not,_ " Andrew states, and lives for the way Aaron's breathing stops. Katelyn stares at him, confused, and that's when Andrew realizes it. At this point, there's nothing to lose.

So he stops giving a damn. "See, in a past life Neil and I couldn't be together, so the idiot told me he'd find me in this one," he continues, stabbing the table top with his finger. "I'm just waiting for him."

Nicky's jaw drops, and the air around them stops flowing, sitting heavy. He's not sure if he expects Katelyn to walk out, but he at least expects a nervous giggle, an awkward change of subject. Maybe even just for her to ignore him.

She's quiet for a long time, brow furrowed, which is almost unsettling.

He's not quite sure about her.

After a grueling minute of silence, Aaron coughs, and probably refrains from murdering Andrew right then and there. As if he could. "Anyways..."

"Hm," Katelyn hums, and Nicky's gaze snaps up in warning. The last thing he needs is Andrew to unleash hell in a public diner due to ignorance. At least with Aaron, he's family, and Andrew actually doesn't hate him most days. This is basically a stranger. Andrew gets his butter knife ready.

But then, Katelyn smiles again, much softer than before. "What does he look like?"

Andrew's jaw does not drop. It tries to, but he does not allow it.

Aaron's head whips to her, eyes wide. "Katelyn--"

But for the first time, she gives him this exasperated look, nudging him gently. "What? I want to know," she says, and Andrew tries to understand. Maybe she's making fun of him. But there's no trace of malice, nothing remotely patronizing about her expression. It's the same as it was before. Waiting, like it's all normal. Like for once, it makes sense to someone. "Have you ever asked about Neil?"

Aaron chews on the question a little, before weakly muttering, "well, not really but--"

"So, how do you know?" Katelyn says, like it's the simplest thing in the world, and it shuts Aaron up faster than anything Andrew has ever witnessed. For a moment, Andrew's gaze lingers on the way Aaron turns to the table, tracing the grotesque, colorful patterns like they hold the answers. Andrew doesn't know what goes on in his head, but for once Aaron leans back and doesn't try to stop...this.

Katelyn turns back to Andrew with a smile. "I'm sure you don't get to talk about him much."

Dumbly, Andrew nods. He doesn't.

He ignores the light smile Nicky gives him, the way he settles his arms atop the table and perches his head in them like a nest. Ready for more, ready to listen.

Aaron is silent, but he does pull Katelyn closer by the waist, letting her weight bring him more clarity.

Katelyn grabs her own cupcake like she didn't just flip the whole family dynamic upside down, and takes a bite big enough to rival Andrew's. "I'm sure he misses you very much too, and he's on his way," she says, no, _confirms_.

And yeah...Andrew knows. Andrew has always known.

For the next hour, he finds himself talking about Neil in bits and pieces. Never too much; their relationship is a private, reserved thing. But enough to make Neil real, and apparently enough for Aaron to soften up, to actually _hear_ him.

Andrew tells himself it doesn't matter, he doesn't need that understanding, but there can be no other reason for the peaceful sleep he gets later that night.

When Aaron quietly apologizes later and asks what Andrew thinks of Katelyn, there's nothing much left to do but sigh and admit:

She's a bit much, but...he guesses she can stay.

Besides, maybe Neil will like her.

\--

Katelyn fits in without forcing herself, and always asks about Neil. Simple things, because the one time she tried to get any more personal, Andrew had shut her out.

But she knows Neil's favorite color is orange, that he hates sweets, that he'd probably love smoothies.

Andrew can't wait to test that theory.

It's not all pleasant. Talking about Neil is not a substitute for Neil being there. But it's a salve, a momentary painkiller. Andrew still traces the crowds wherever he goes though, waiting.

A month or so after their initial meeting, they're back at the same diner when Andrew goes up with Katelyn to teach her how to cheat the jukebox to give her free plays. She's mostly got the hang of it when someone tugs on his jacket sleeve.

"Hey, you busy later?" A playful voice says, and Andrew can't help but sigh. He turns to appraise this week's contestant, another newbie who thinks Andrew's reputation of never going on dates doesn't apply to them. Judging from the smell of coffee grounds and the ruffled college sweatshirt, Andrew guesses the guy is a grad student. That's all he cares to observe about him.

He gets his usual response ready while Katelyn hides her giggles in her hand, but before he can say anything, there's the distinct feeling of eyes on the back of his neck.

Andrew's voice, so steady and without hiccups, catches in his throat.

He is no stranger to gut instinct. Sometimes the mind and body can just sense things, like threats. This goes beyond that. Whatever this is should be a threat to everyone in the room. But it's not to him.

Now...it's been ages since Andrew has felt _this_ , but there's something distinct about the pleasant chill that goes through him. It's abrupt, jarring, like ice down his back on a hot day. It seeps down, freezing the tip of his spine. Goosebumps rise up on his skin and he resists the urge to arch forward. It takes him back to hunched shoulders in a dim tavern, to looking behind his shoulder and finding no one there.

But he sensed it, and he followed that ghost of a gaze until he met warmth and blood.

He knows other people might compare this feeling to a cold blade, a knick in the skin, but all Andrew feels is relief so _precise_ his legs feel like jelly.

Yes, it's danger, it's trouble, it's--

"Actually, he is," a voice says, and it's not a knick in the air, it's a full on slice. The smile in that voice is a mix of too many things Andrew can't handle, relief and the audacity to be _flirty_. The edges tickle him, but the bulk of the sound wraps him up warm and tight.

Part of Andrew, the pessimistic, hopeless part of him, thought he'd never have that again.

And Andrew knows it's just him, but the diner around him descends into silence.

Until it's just him and Neil.

Andrew turns to him and Neil's smile matches his voice. Once again, Andrew is caught between a lot of reactions. The first one is, admittedly, incredulity.

Neil's face, once filled with scars, has just one now. It's a faded criss cross over his cheek, and it pulls from how wide he's grinning. Neil's cheeks always did that puffy thing, and Andrew resists the urge to poke. The redhead tilts his head to the side, teasing, inviting. His unruly fringe is no better than it was in the past, but at least it's soft and vibrant. On full display. No need for rushed haircuts and hoods.

This Neil isn't hiding, and he knows it. When he catches Andrew's gaze appraising him from head to toe, his bright blue eyes almost shimmer. Andrew hates him. He hates the way Neil shifts his weight, too giddy in his small, toned body. He...looks good. He looks even better than Andrew remembers.

His memory had never been enough.

Neil bites his lip, reading something in Andrew's eyes, and Andrew can't find it in himself to scowl. It's like that feature is turned off, unreliable.

How _dare_ Neil look at him like that.

But above the rage and shock sits the yearning. Andrew is not sure how fate works, if that's who is even behind it. All he knows is that Neil is less a missing puzzle piece and more of a magnet. Andrew wants to go to him, wants Neil close to him, and he tempers the urge just barely. If he touches Neil, he wants it to be somewhere he doesn't have to let go.

Neil shoots a gaze to his side, and Andrew doesn't dare follow it. He doesn't want to take his eyes off Neil, so he catches the way his smile becomes less soft. Crueler, if only for a moment. The sound of hurried footsteps fades into nothing.

Oh yeah, guess that guy left.

"Andrew, is this your friend?" Katelyn asks to his side, and again, Andrew is weak. He thinks he can indulge in that on occasion. He's only held up for the past few _years_. Neil's harshness is gone in a blink, and he looks at her in surprise.

Then, the smile is back, paired quite unfairly with a giggle.

"Sort of," Neil says, shrugging, so carefree Andrew actually does glare. Neil beams brighter. "I'm the light of his life. I'm Neil."

Andrew thinks it's supposed to sound sarcastic, but Andrew can't tell. He doesn't care either. It wouldn't be a lie.

Katelyn, who must've been drinking a milkshake, gasps. Glass shatters on the floor beneath Andrew's combat boots, but the shards are nothing compared to Neil's smirk.

With a wink, Neil fits into Andrew's life like he never left. "But I guess you knew that."

\--

It's not that Andrew doesn't want to touch Neil. No, he's been thinking about nothing but since he waltzed in like it was any other day. Bastard. Andrew just knows if he touches Neil, all bets are off.

He won't be able to stop.

Neil leans against the door, always staying a step ahead of Andrew as they walk out of the diner. As if he can tell that Andrew is trying to look his fill. It saves Andrew the humiliation of tripping over his own feet as he tries to follow Neil's usually unpredictable movements.

Andrew notices that Neil's shoulders don't have that tension they used to, there's no paranoid looking over his shoulder or keeping tabs on his surroundings.

They're in a bubble, like they couldn't be safer.

Andrew realizes that's pretty much the truth.

The only thing at risk here is his pulse and blood pressure.

Neil pauses, briefly, but enough for Andrew to take in the black, sleeveless turtleneck, the long armbands, red skinny jeans...

There's no way Neil did this himself, though there is an element of messiness to it. It looks like something off a store mannequin, but as soon as Neil had seen it, he'd known right away it was to Andrew's tastes.

Andrew steels himself as best he can.

"Are you really bringing a hookup home?" Aaron grumbles behind him, but even he's got an air of curiosity around him. Andrew hadn't taken the time to introduce Neil, not for any particular reason. He's too distracted. Katelyn still looks like a fish out of water, rendered speechless.

Not even the smugness of getting to rub Neil's existence in Aaron's face gets through to Andrew enough to let him speak. It's like none of it matters, how could it?

Neil is here.

But Andrew has never brought a boy home, has never taken an interest in _anyone_. Aaron and Nicky are watching Neil like he's an alien.

But Neil is just the same; his gaze meets Andrew's and Andrew's alone.

"Is that what you plan to do with me?" Neil giggles. _Giggles_.

Andrew nearly slaps himself. Leave it to Neil to be flirty _now_ , when before he had no idea how massive his effect on Andrew was. Years of waiting will do that. They don't have the care for hesitation, for shame.

They're free, and they know each other too well.

Still, the tips of his ears should not feel _this_ red.

Neil laughs some more and turns around to fall into a leisurely stroll, and thus, giving Andrew another view.

Explanations can wait, he decides.

A few passing groups do a double take when they see Neil, but the redhead is typical in that regard. He doesn't notice. But every glance from Andrew has him beaming, and it's beyond the playfulness.

Like there's a yearning there, like it wasn't Neil who kept his distance for so long. Again, Andrew wonders why he's not upset. Maybe because he knows Neil would never hold back an explanation. Neil doesn't lie to him.

Eventually, the group diverges, with Andrew following Neil like a beacon to his car. He wonders how long Neil had been watching, how he knows this is Andrew's car.

Maybe he can simply tell from the tinted windows and obnoxious orange stripe on the side. Only for Neil.

"Everyone's looking at you," Andrew seethes under his breath, watching his family pile into Katelyn's car slowly. At least they know how to read a room; Andrew won't accept any interruptions tonight. Maybe not tomorrow either.

But they're like vultures, watching them stand in front of Andrew's truck. More people on their way into the diner scan Neil a little too much for Andrew's liking.

It makes the back of his neck itch, nerve endings on high alert from every heavy stare.

He wants to hide them both away, lock them apart from the rest of the world to make up for lost time. It's a selfish, ridiculous urge. But he's envious for once; he hasn't been able to see Neil in so long, no one else should get to.

Sensing this, Neil's flirtiness dissolves, giving way to a blank slate no one but Andrew could hope to parse. It's deathly serious, firm in a way that tells Andrew some instincts of the past linger. Neil takes one step towards him, sealing them in a bubble, and there's no room for argument. Andrew's blood catches fire at that look, pinning Andrew to the spot.

“I'm only looking at you,” Neil states, with a clear implication that he doesn't care about anyone else right then. He's spent years without Andrew too, but that doesn't mean his feelings have changed, and Andrew should never doubt that. Neil came back to _him_ , to be with _him_.

Some of the stress in Andrew's body leaks out, but the veiled desperation stays. "Where have you been?"

Neil's smile is sad, but not regretful. His hand comes up to caress his scarred cheek, a promise to tell Andrew new stories about the separate lives they've built.

So they can come together once more, and never have to worry about being apart.

"I had to make sure I wouldn't cause you any trouble when I got here," Neil whispers.

Andrew wouldn't have cared if Neil brought a whole war with him, a doomsday of indescribable proportions.

They would've dealt with it.

"Stupid, I don't care what you do," Andrew says in return and vaguely registers the sound of Katelyn's car peeling away. He's not sure what he looks like at that moment, but it must've been vulnerable enough to earn his privacy.

Knowing that, Neil takes Andrew's hand, pulling it up to caress his cheek. Then, Neil reaches into the small backpack he's been carrying, pulling out a large bundle of postcards. Some are more faded than others, dog-eared and bent. Andrew will read them all.

It's only appropriate they have written proof they exist in this life too.

"Well, it was worth it," Neil says with a soft grin, pushing the postcards into Andrew's hand. They're not as soft or warm as Neil's skin, but Andrew grips them tight all the same. "I'm all yours. Now..."

"Tomorrow," Andrew continues for him, an age-old trade of promises that never ran out even when Neil's life had.

Neil looks almost too surprised that Andrew remembers. As if Andrew could forget.

_"Always."_

And although it's what Andrew expects to hear, he admonishes Neil for old times' sake. "I told you about using that word."

Neil snorts and pushes Andrew away from looking affronted by his own action, and comes back in less than a second. Andrew rolls his eyes; he's not going to slip away _now_ , he wants to tell Neil. He can't say he's not feeling slightly clingy himself though.

It'll wear off eventually, but Neil's closeness won't.

"And I did it anyways," Neil quips with a smirk, and then his pinkie is tangling around Andrew's, tugging before sliding up the length of his arm. The touch is featherlight, but it's the only thing Andrew is aware of in the entire world.

Neil's smile is equal parts smug and relieved. "What are you going to do about it?"

\--

While he might've called Neil a pipe dream once, he no longer has those kinds of doubts.

Neil is real, he feels him in every initial touch once they get back to the house, in every traded whisper and glide of fingernails over unexplored skin.

They're the same, they're different.

None of it feels new.

Neil tries to kiss him senseless at first, but Andrew's mind doesn't work like that and they both know it. Neil leans in where they're curled up in Andrew's bed, which he spent extra money on. It's a full size, though he only ever sleeps on one side. Always waiting for Neil.

Neil slots in perfectly and tries to roll over onto Andrew's side as expected, but Andrew's hand on his chest stops him.

Neil huffs and smiles like he knew he wouldn't get away with it, but it was worth a try.

Andrew bores into him, and he pulls off one of Neil's armbands. There's no longer any scars, but old habits die hard. With nothing of Andrew's to carry with him in this life, Neil had to improvise. Andrew's hand presses into the smooth skin, and despite the bareness, he knows Neil is still a survivor. It spikes an old and ancient anger in him when Neil sighs; Andrew should've been there.

"What happened?" He asks, voice strained, and Neil's eyes widen when he realizes Andrew isn't asking about this life. That's not what he wants to know right away, not when there's details from before he's still in the dark about.

Neil scoots as close as Andrew will allow, kisses the back of Andrew's hand. Neil's expression drifts farther and farther away, eyes finding an ounce of the old fear and urge to run. "He found me," Neil whispers, and while Andrew knows he can't remember the details, his soul must. Neil starts to break out in trembles, the goosebumps rise on the skin Andrew is caressing. He regrets asking in an instant, an emotion he's unfamiliar with. But Neil never fails to bring things out in him, the urge to protect and hold. "I..."

"Neil, he is gone," Andrew says, venom lacing the statement. It's not directed at Neil, but the redhead jolts anyways. It's ridiculous; Neil was far more formidable than he was, able to claw his way up and survive for as long as he did. Still, Neil looks like there's nothing more comforting than Andrew's statement, in the fierce protectiveness lined there.

Andrew may not be much now, but he would look after Neil with his life. He didn't get to do that last time, so he'll definitely do it now.

"Andrew..." Neil says, and this time Andrew does let him bridge the gap. There's no more urgency in the rabbit's eyes, just a need for warmth that Andrew's can't resist. "I went so long without this, having it now...I wish I hadn't. I didn't mean to make us wait."

Andrew hates apologies, especially from Neil.

"You're here now," he says, gripping the back of Neil's neck tight. That's all that matters.

Neil opens his mouth to refute it, but he can't. One look from Andrew and Neil knows there's no winning. Andrew won't accept useless apologies or offers. All he wants is for Neil to stay.

Smiling, Neil looks up at the ceiling. Andrew has it decorated with glow in the dark stars that half work at this point. He has to replace them every so often, but he remembers that Neil hated complete darkness.

"This world is so different," Neil muses, and picks through the postcards scattered across the bed. Andrew plans to read them when Neil falls asleep, since he's usually the first one to fall under no matter how stubborn he tries to be. "But it doesn't feel like it. With you I'm--"

Andrew groans mildly. "Don't say it."

Neil's smirk makes Andrew want to push him off the bed. " _Eternal_."

"I hate you."

"No you don't," Neil replies quickly, confidently. "Or...you do. But you know what I mean."

_And the fact you know what I mean makes me hate you even more._

Andrew sighs and sits up, ridding himself of his jacket. Neil tracks the movement greedily, raising his arms to receive Andrew's weight. So predictable, so clingy. And he is no better.

"Are you here to stay?" Andrew asks before he crosses that blissful line, and Neil's expression is still one Andrew has never been able to name.

No words are enough for it, but Andrew no longer has to look away.

Neil senses the question beneath it all. ' _Are you mine this time?'_

And Andrew moves forward before the word is completely out of Neil's mouth, because he's known the answer all his life.

_"Yes."_

And later, when they're curled up under the sheets, Andrew makes a new promise to the sound of Neil's laughter.

A challenge, an oath, one that will be fulfilled as many times as they want. He believes that, because that's how stubborn they both are.

_"Next time, I'll find you."_

_"Deal."_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!


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